All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
