I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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