Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
