You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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