Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
