I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
