My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My feet surprised me
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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