she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
