Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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