Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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