Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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