threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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