So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
