sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
