Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
