Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
