your parents love me but you hate me
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
