What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
