can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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