It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
