dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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