update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
