This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
