First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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