I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Watching her eat just hurts me
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
