Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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