That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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