he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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