I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
