I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
