he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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