So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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