I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
