you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
