I'm jealous of your bromance
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize