life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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