his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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