My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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