when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
