When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
