I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
