Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
