I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
