just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
