fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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