I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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