ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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