So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
