Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
