Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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