She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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