My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
