Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
