She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
