I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you win again, gameday.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
