apparently the secret to your success is patron
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
