I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
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I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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