Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
