you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
