did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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